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Living with Chronic Illness and your Ableist Inner Critic

Writer's picture: Kirsty CorvanKirsty Corvan

January is nearly over thankfully! I’m ready for spring to come, I’m ready not to be broke after Christmas, but most of all, I’m ready for the ‘new year, new me’ bullsh*t’ to quieten down.


‘Are you violently opposed to improving yourself in the New Year, Kirsty?’, I hear you say. Absolutely not. I encourage all my clients to strive for their goals whatever they might be. However, there’s often a lot of toxic positivity spread around in January; “you can do it all”, “be a better you” “new year, new me”. But what if the new year isn’t an option for you to become a “new you”? For people living with chronic conditions, the change in date to January 1st has not magically changed their circumstances. Limitations that were there on New Year’s Eve, are still there on New Year’s Day and no amount of pep talking to yourself can change that.


And that’s tough to take.


January is often a time when a spoonie’s inner critic shouts loudest. We all have an inner critic. It’s the inner voice inside your head that demands more of you, then mocks you for trying. It beats you down and then criticises you when you are too afraid to try. They are louder for some people, and the more confident among us can shush them almost entirely (the dream!). People living with chronic illness or chronic pain usually have an incredibly loud inner critic. They show up all the time shouting things like “you’re not good enough”, “nobody believes you” and “are you sure you just aren’t weak?”. But in January, its like they’re on a caffeine buzz.


“A new year and you’re still the same, pathetic”,


“No point in trying anything this year, you’ll just fail again anyway”.


“Everyone else is out at the gym, can’t you even go on the treadmill?”


But spoonies, have you ever stopped and noticed just how ableist your inner critic is?


There is not an ounce of compassion for your circumstance, or limitations, just the same expectations for you as your favourite CEO. When you think about it, it’s incredibly unfair. Your inner critic already expects too much, but it also epitomises the ableist expectations of society and completely disregards everything that you’re going through.


When you lay it out like that, is it any wonder that people living with chronic illnesses often feel heightened levels of anxiety, low-mood and depression. Of course you are going to have thoughts of being a burden, when your inner critic is screaming at you that you aren’t living up to the expectations placed on everyone else.


“So how do you quieten this unwelcome ableist intruder in your head?”, you ask.

When I work with my clients on this, we work together in a three-fold way;

 

1.      Curiosity


Just start by observing what they are saying and getting a little more curious about it, rather than trying to push it down. What are they saying? What is the tone of voice that they are saying it in? Does it remind you of anyone/anything you’ve experience or witness before?

Asking yourself these sorts of questions about the ableist things that your critic says is helping in beginning to recognise where the messages we tell ourselves are coming from. From here, you can begin to question the authority of these messages, gently challenge and begin to reframe them.

 

2.      Compassion


Often when I mention compassion to my clients, I get the same look of “hmmmphh” that I once gave to my own therapist! We are not naturally compassionate to ourselves; it takes practise and patience. However, building the strength to show yourself compassion when you really need it, boosts our self-worth and unconsciously reminds us that we are worthy of compassion, of love and of kindness. Now, I’m not expecting you to finish reading this blog and start telling yourself that you are in fact the best human to ever walk this planet (although fair play if you can!) but start slowly. Recognise that you live in an ableist society so that when your inner critic starts up with the old “you’re so lazy” speel, you can begin to say to yourself something like;


“No. I’m not lazy. I live in a society that recognises productivity as a source of worth but ignores people’s individual limitations. I do the best that I can”.


I’m also not expecting you to believe it straight away (this is where the practise and patience comes in!), but any start, now matter how small, is better than nothing – and it is where no.3 is so important.

 

3.      Care


Taking time to show care for yourself is one of the best ways to remind your inner critic that you are worthy and important, especially when you are trying to learn a new skill like self-compassion. Lean into things that fill your cup, whatever that looks like for you – walks, sitting in the garden, doing your nails, calling your friend for a long gossip. It’s different for us all. It’s often when we need to show ourselves some care, that we abandon it altogether. Again, start small. We’re always aiming for progress not perfection (no matter what that inner critic says!).


 

Our inner critic can have such a strong hold over us, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Being curious and leaning into self-compassion is a great way to start to challenge what they say. It’s not always easy, but you can do it.


If trying this feels like something you need some support with, or you need a safe place to do it, please do reach out to me to chat about how therapy could work for you. I’m always here to answer any questions.

 

Chat soon,

Kirsty

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