We’re coming toward the time of year, where a lot of people migrate home for the festive season. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, these few weeks can be particularly straining on the different relationships in our lives, and that’s before you consider people living with energy limitations or painful conditions!
Setting boundaries can have many benefits including;
More meaningful relationships
Better work/life balance
Greater Self Confidence
Improved sense of identity
Greater independence
Avoiding burnout
And much more!
However, setting boundaries is something that many people struggle with throughout the year, let alone at Christmas time! So why do so many people, spoonies in particular, struggle with setting boundaries? What I hear from working with clients is that setting boundaries when you have a chronic condition feels even more difficult due to the impact their illness has on their confidence and their needs. Spoonies are much more likely to struggle from a low self-esteem and so enforcing boundaries seems like a bigger hurdle to climb. They can also carry a lot of shame around their limitations which comes with thoughts like ‘I’m a burden’ or ‘I’m not good enough’ and these types of thoughts reinforce the idea that they couldn’t possibly try to put up a boundary.
However, I always like to remind the people I work with, and you reader, that the only people that will have a problem with your boundaries, are the people who are already benefitting from you not having any.
Read that again.
People who love and respect you, will respect your boundaries. They may need some time to adjust to them, and this is where communication is so important, but those who truly respect you, will respect your boundaries.
So, what boundaries can you put in place that as a person living with a chronic illness, will have the most positive impact for you going forward? I’ve broken some ideas down into three categories;
Workplace Boundaries
Family Boundaries
Relationship Boundaries
Workplace Boundaries
It’s okay to say no – declining work tasks doesn’t make you any less valuable an employee. There can be so much pressure to appear to be a ‘team player’ that you feel you have to say yes to every task that is asked of you. But I urge you to take a moment in this instance. Take a breath and think about how the extra workload will affect you mentally and physically. Is there an opportunity to be curious about where that voice telling you to take on the extra work is coming from? Often these are learned behaviours from our youth where we are told to be ‘helpful’, ‘good’ or ‘do your best’, regardless of how these actions could affect or physical or mental health. If you are happy that you are doing your role to the best of your ability and are contributing, that is enough. You are enough.
Communicate your needs clearly – explain your needs and limitations without guilt. As a result of the Equality Act (2010) your employer has a duty to make reasonable adjustments for disabled employees to overcome any inherent disadvantages resulting from their disability. Your needs are just as valid as any other employees, and you absolutely should not be made to feel less than for having additional requirements or limitations. It is important to communicate these clearly so that your employer can support you in the best way they can, and to avoid any crossed wires, that could lead to feelings of anger or resentment, that could be completely avoidable. Accommodations such as flexible hours, extra breaks and working from home are all valid options that can be explored for you.
Prioritise self-care - Your health comes before work expectations. Every time. No matter what a stressed manager says, or a disgruntled fellow employee. You and your health come before a work deadline. Prioritising your self-care is how you keep from burnout and how you can still contribute in way that is right for you. Working until you run yourself into the ground is good for nobody in the long run, most importantly you, but also, it’s no good for your employer if you are so burnt out that you cannot work either. It might feel scary or impossible to put self-care as a priority, but until it becomes a habit, think of it as a way to keep yourself in tip-top shape (or whatever tip-top can look like for you) and therefore working ‘tip-top’ too. Eventually, when incorporating self-care is a habit, and you put yourself as a priority, you will realise that what matters most is you, and not the workplace, but that it just has an added benefit to your work performance.
Family Boundaries
No thank you to unsolicited advice – Whilst often it can come from a place of meaning and well wishes, it is still okay to say no thank you to unwanted advice. People often jump into ‘lifesaver’ mode and try and offer you advice because they are uncomfortable simply talking about a situation that they are unfamiliar with or doesn’t have a ‘happy’ ending. This is their problem, not yours. You are not something to be fixed, healed or helped, unless that is something you have expressed or given permission. Unwanted advice can often also come from a place of control rather than well-meaning and this is absolutely not okay. You might also have just heard it all before, all the advice that hasn’t worked and its draining and upsetting listening to it again, knowing it will have no positive impact on your life. It’s okay to remove yourself from this situation. I know often people are afraid to say ‘no thank you’ to this advice, for fear of upsetting others but you do not owe them anything else, and their reaction is their problem.
Educate Don’t argue – Whilst it not your job to educate others on your illness, if you feel comfortable, it can be helpful. Never feel obliged to tell anyone private details of your illness to appease them or share any information you are not comfortable with. However, if you feel that you want to share some generic educational content about your illness with them, to help them gain understanding, then do so on your terms. And if somebody wants to disagree with what you’ve shared, or argue about it, you absolutely do not need to engage in this type of communication. I understand it can be scary sometimes in removing yourself from a situation like that but know that you know what you are talking about. It is not worth your precious limited spoons trying to argue with Uncle John about his thoughts on endometriosis being a bad period!
Permission to Leave – family gatherings can be tedious and exhausting even if you aren’t a person living with limited energy or trying to manage pain! It’s okay to leave events if you are feeling overwhelmed or tired. Your family do not have a right to your presence. Those who love you and respect you will know that you have done your very best to be present with the number of spoons that you’ve had that day. You aren’t letting anyone down and you are not a burden (just in case you need that reminder!). Our inner critic can show up in a flash in these situations, telling us that we are bad people for leaving early etc. But just remember, what would you say to someone with your illness if they were exhausted attending your event? Exactly. You know the answer. You just need to practise showing that compassion to yourself as well as you do to others.
Love doesn’t mean unlimited access – love means loving you and your limits. Shared love and respect in families means accepting you for yours and them for theirs. Mental, physical, emotional. Just because they are family, doesn’t mean you have to give them everything. Give what you are willing graciously and accept back graciously what they are willing to give you.
Relationship Boundaries (the romantic kind!)
Honest communication is key – no finding excuses or reasoning, just sharing real facts eg “my pain is at an 8 today, I can’t go to the cinema” . Your person will appreciate your honesty and will accept your reality if they have respect for you.
Mutual support, not caregiving – maintain emotional equality. Whilst you might need extra certain supports from your partner, that you don’t have to reciprocate, ensure that you are supporting them back in a way that you can. This helps to avoid feelings of being a burden on your part, and any feelings of being unappreciated in your partner.
Intimacy beyond physical – Emotional connection matters more than physical expectations. However, that is not to diminish your or your partner’s physical needs. What is important is being able to discuss with them both of your needs and desires and working together on what intimacy can look like for you, given any limitations that need to be considered.
Non-negotiable self-care – Your health needs are not up for debate or compromise. To show up in your relationship in way that you want, self-care is vital.
These are just some ideas of boundaries that you could consider implementing, but it is by no means an exhaustive list. Boundaries are entirely individual and have to work for you. I would encourage you to take some time to figure out what changes would help you and start small, you don’t have to become a boundary guru right away!
I would love to hear from you if you’ve put any new boundaries in place and how it’s gone for you, or if you need any encouragement in doing this, I’m always here in your corner.
Kirsty x
Comments