Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a client that left me thinking for days afterwards. We were talking about how chronic illnesses affect your ability to live authentically. Now, I’m in no way saying that people living with chronic conditions are not authentic people – far from it but living with a dynamic disability often makes this much more difficult.
Settling for less: the impact of limited enjoyment
Take my client Jane*, who prior to becoming unwell with her chronic illness had a huge love of all thing’s fitness related. She loved to push her body in the gym, engage in all types of exercise classes and was a fit young woman. Now, a small walk for Jane is physically exhausting and she must prepare for and take time to recover from them. Movement now is calculated on that day’s energy availability and ability to pace herself and gone is the carefree attitude and joy that used to surround her moving her body to feel good. Jane values exercise for keeping your mind and body healthy. Now, she is unable to live according to that value.
Comfort over style: the clothing dilemma
I worked with a client, Annie* who’s condition meant that she often experienced symptoms of severe abdominal bloating and pain. The constant discomfort meant that she sought out the most comfortable clothing she could find to minimise her distress. Her wardrobe now consisted of baggy sweatshirts, elasticated trousers and oversized shirts as she was looking for clothing that allowed room to bloat, but also to hide it as she was embarrassed by her bloating.
Prior to her illness, Annie prided herself on being fashionable. She followed trends, but described herself as having her own individual style that she was proud of, and that showcased her personality. She spoke of experimenting with shapes and colours, accessories and hairstyling, all of which had now ceased. She valued self-expression through her clothing, and now she felt no longer able to show up to the world this way.
Career Aspirations vs reality: the value gap
My client Alex* had always wanted to pursue a career in hospitality management. He loved to interact with different people everyday and the challenge of providing top class experiences for people. He valued himself on being a hard-worker and an achiever. He had even gone on to gain a degree in the area.
However, soon after graduating, Alex developed his chronic illness, and with that, his dream job slipped out of reach. His illness meant that he would no longer be able to be on his feet all day and brain fog meant that he would not be able to work efficiently, especially not to his high standard. He felt let down, as not only had his body failed him but it had taken away his identity as a hard-working, reliable employee.
Navigating Cognitive Dissonance: Finding Balance in an Ongoing Struggle
So, what do all these examples have in common? These people have all experienced cognitive dissonance because of their chronic illness not allowing them to live how they want to.
Cognitive dissonance is most easily described as a state of mental discomfort when you become aware that how you are behaving is not in line with your beliefs. For people living with chronic illnesses, they are often unconsciously in a state of cognitive dissonance as through no fault of their own, they cannot behave according to their beliefs or values and as such, are living in a permanent state of mental discomfort. The realisation or awareness of this gap in how they are behaving versus what they believe in can be upsetting and frustrating.
The extra difficulty with becoming aware of the gap, is that for most people, awareness can lead to a change in behaviour so that you are more aligned with your beliefs. However, for those living with chronic illness, a change in behaviour may not be physically possible.
So how do you find balance between conflicting beliefs and your reality, so that you can still live well despite your circumstances?
1. Reframing beliefs to include context
So many of our beliefs are built around black and white/all or nothing type thinking. Therefore, it’s important to begin to try and reframe our thoughts and beliefs to include context. Accepting that life has grey areas, and middle grounds, and that you may have to exist in these spaces, can help to calm the anxiety and discomfort of cognitive dissonance. An example of this could be a belief about the value of working to contribute to society. If you have black and white thinking about this and your chronic illness means you cannot work, then you will be left with the negative feelings that cognitive dissonance brings such as guilt, anxiety and shame. However, if you can hold this belief to include context, the dissonance holds less power. If the belief is reframed to something like ‘for those who are able; I believe in working to contribute to society. However, I realise for those that cannot, there are many other ways they can contribute outside of traditional work’. Keeping context always allows for a more compassionate and realistic view of the diversity and value of people in the world.
2. Searching for compromise
I get it, I’ve heard it so many times before. You are sick of having to compromise because of your chronic illness but hear me out. I mean searching for a real compromise that you are happy with, not just the first similar thing that comes along. So, for instance in Annie*’s case above. She can no longer wear the types of clothing that she prefers to due to the need for more comfortable styles. An ‘easier’ version of a compromise here could still be to get her hair done the way she always would have, or more daring than before. But how about a more thorough compromise that incorporates her still wearing her old accessories, choosing extravagant nail art, personalising her mobility aids or other personal aids, getting tattoos or piercings to reflect her personality that don’t require maintenance etc. I truly believe there can be joy and happiness found in areas of compromise, if you take the time to really think about how you can maximise the joy in it. It is okay to find happiness in your present, it doesn’t mean you have given up on your future.
3. Practising self-compassion
One of the easiest things to say, but the hardest to do! How often do we tell others to ‘go easy on yourself’, yet it seems impossible to apply to ourselves. Practising self-compassion helps us to downregulate our stress response, moving away from the feelings of fight and flight, towards a place of balance and calm. Ways to practise self-compassion include taking part in self-care rituals (whatever that looks like for you), avoiding judgments or assumptions, speaking kindly about yourself (internally and externally!) and learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes. In a body that can be very hostile and unforgiving to you, allow yourself to forgive and to be compassionate. Your body might fight against you, but it doesn’t mean your mind has to as well.
4. Seeking additional support
Talk to someone. Anyone. Share the frustrations, the fears and the hopes, all of it. If you have a close friend or family member that you are comfortable to reach out to, great! Use that resource available to you and if you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know, reach out to a therapist (hi!). Do your research and find someone you think you would be happy to talk to and feel safe in doing so. Think of it as an additional method of self-care that you can engage in.
So, while Chronic Illness does create a gap between your values and your reality, it doesn’t have to stay that way.
There is a way through.
I would love to hear what you think of this idea in the comments and please do reach out if you would like to know more about how we might work together.
All the best, Kirsty x
*Identifiable information such as names and specific client issues have been altered slightly to protect client confidentiality.
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